giving up

reasons behind left untold.
now... im told.

#2 months

its our 2 months anniversary<3

baby, you know?

im happy and secure each day by your side =)

you are leaving tomorrow,

but i shall wait .. wait for you to come back=)

i promise to wait for you.

baby,

i love you.

someone who is just fine

and now, im treated right by someone.

someone who is willing to treat me nice.

his existence, i never go and think anything.

i dare not to predict or make any assumption.

but he is fine. =)

OHANA

ohana means family. family means noone got left behind.

i have just read the recent post from eve's blog.

i admit,

at times, especially now...

i really.

i really dont know what am i thinking, how do i feel.

is it because i dont dare to have a single thought?

because i do not want to be in sadness again or have i actually let go?

it was father's day yesterday...

i texted dad.

wishing him happy father's day.

yea i do not , daaaaare to call him up.

i dont know why...

come to an extend,

i rarely really text him.

i am afraid,

i am afraid that he might think im not thinking of him.

i told him i hope someday i can take care of him in previous text, i wish i really can make it.

he is already so old yet he has to struggle for life...

dad,

i am not perfect, sorry and i am such a failure...

hole

tree, leaf, wind.

yesterday, surprisingly i read through Evelyn's notes in facebook.

and this one, this note left me with a great... great agree.

here it goes.

A story from tree, leaf and wind's perception.

::Tree ::

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.

I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.

She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.

My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.

I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.

During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

::Leaf ::

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.

I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?

Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.

Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

::Wind ::

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.

Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away

It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree

I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly.Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

dont you think this is what, happening in the society nowadays?

and its the story of 3.

when you dont cherish the one you actually love, he will someday leave... she will someday went away.

and no matter how hard you thought you couldnt get through someone, you somehow will get through it, in hard way in easy way, in short while....

ARGH

I AM SCARED.
STRESS!
i have not completed any of my assignment works and they have to be hand in by next week.
i never fail in procrastinate.
ok die.
i have I HAVE TO FINISH EMM

what i have encountered in my uni life.

well,

i guess i have not mentioned anything regard to my current school, swinburne.

i have enrolled foundation in business since march.

to be in this school, taking up this course is out of my expectation.

as my family knows, my friends know, i wanted to take mass communication at tarc, setapak kl.

i have even look for my accomodation and so so on.

but yes, i have come to a decision to stay when my sister asked me...

she said, its a better, wiser choice to stay at the place where my mum can see me.

since she wont be in kuching even after her return to msia in july, so yea...

i have this conflict feelings that time,

when i doubt if it is a right choice for me to stay.

frankly speaking,

i never like kuching but well human never satisfied with what they are having.

so i stop complaining.

that was what i felt.

now i feel so much bless,

as i have pretty much feelings expression from laura aka doggy and my sister,

how much they miss home,

how much they miss their family,

and of course how much they miss me.

it doesnt matter, where one could be to achieve success and how do you actually define success?

by wealth? how wealthy one could be? by health? how healthy one could stay? well i measured it by looking at the smiles on the ones i love dearly.

mum ,

she turned older,

her hands getting rougher, each year when i hold her hand ( well i only do that during mother's day, her birthday, valentine ), its too little i know. because one day, i know i will miss her existence...

i remember mum once told evelyn, to be wise, not to be blur , in choosing her own path or when it comes to decision. she said, she was young too, and we are only young once.

and now she is already old and she is not able to do anything more.

i want her to know,

she has actually given me the best things one could find in the world.

other than mum,

i am blessed,

that i am back to church life.

i have lost regular church life since ages( well i guess it has been few years? a two years? )

in there, i see true smiles, gracious faces...

and i never wish to lost the life i once lost.

to be in the world, is not easy..

i have to face emotions, feelings, and so on and im not good in handling that.

i have my own thought like how the others do, humanities.

but now i've gained back church life.

i pray, that Lord abide in me and everyone in me abundantly.

well see i am out of topic again.

this week is my week 10 in swinburne.

how time flies uh...

and 3 more weeks i guess my first semester will come to an end.

everything goes fine..

i thank my dad for supporting me, physically and mentally in my studies.

and i am sorry to him that i did pretty bad in my test.

yes I FAILED MY MID TERM GENERAL MATHEMATIC TEST.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY ON EARTH I HAVE THIS PHOBIA EVERYTIME WHEN IT COMES TO MATHS EXAM, I GUESS MATHS AND I HAVE NONE BONDING!!!!! URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IN ORDER TO PASS THIS FREAKING SUBJECT I HAVE TO SCORE AT LEAST 34/50?!!!!! AIH i hope i dont fail this.............. sigh.

and for economy, yes i kinda dislike this subject as when it comes to explaination im blank but i managed to pass it for mid term.

for innovation and change, i like it because i kinda score quite well but earth knows, it is because of my lecturer's ''work''. she somehow change our marks, as long as we go to her and asking why on earth is this wrong AND she will mark us right ^_______________^

for english. aih like what my father said, my english is weird. i know. i should improve mor eT_T

scored 6/10 for my article =(

I DISLIKE SWINBURNE'S CAFETERIA AND YES I SOMEHOW MISS GRSS'S CANTEEN =___=

they sell........... similar taste food you know.

it is like when you ordered once from the stall, the other food taste more or less the same=__=

I HATE SWINBURNE'S PARKING SYSTEM! well hahahha that was before.

myvi car's window GOT SMASHED and what matters, is that i have to( i mean mum) repair it while there was nothing for the desperate thief or thieves to take away=__= HOW PATHETIC HUH! well they do take away melissa's housekey. =x

now i have my season car park card so i can park inside. so i guess it will be pretty safe =x

for friends,

i have no much comment on this issue.

as we all know ( my close ones ) i dislike getting too close with any friends.

i prefer there is a distance and i appreciate that the most.

they are friendly and nice.

no much problems.

but still there is problems, i guess it is my own problem where i should come to a realisation that i should I SHOULD DEAL WITH MY OWN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS AND SHOULD NOT PLACE MY ANGER ON OTHERS.

ps: i dont dress up nice like how my sister did during her college life back in segi.

i am simply lazy and yes who on earth willing to spend their precious sleeping time???????? huh?! well not me><

hahah

hmmm......

wish me luck=(

i have my final less than a month! grr

BYE